stress.

So much stress.

So much debt.

ep.

I didn’t realize that people pay attention to my rants.

Don’t take it seriously.

It’s all just for venting.

think.

I think too much. I WANT to say that’s not a bad thing but lately all I want is a magical pill to make my brain shut off for a while. Well not like brain dead but more in the like serenity. Some ignorant sense of bliss.

I think they call it Xanax.

father’s day.

what a day.

anger.

I let people get to me. In exchange, they are entertained. Awesome, I’m the court jester.

loser.

I find it pathetic that you have the need to read up on my life and then tell me to die.

What would you do with yourself if you didn’t have my blog to read Mystery Loser? What would you do with your lackluster life if you didn’t have mine to be so passionately negative about?

At least get a little more creative then telling me to die. You’ve already told me to die several times over the course of these last few months!

Find a new threat. Death doesn’t scare me.

weekend update.

B/c it’s gotten to a point where typing out the same boy stories have become ridiculously hard to recap every detail of each encounter…here’s a quick recap:

Last weekend | Thursday: hooked up with internet guy

Friday:  Drank with male friend, awkwardness with internet guy

Saturday:  Rooftop party, talked to guy with pecs…Joyce help me out with his name.

This weekend | Thursday: dinner + drink then half-hearted marriage proposal.

Friday: read up on how to “Act Like a Lady; Think Like a Man”. Apparently there isn’t much thinking involved.

Saturday: movie with another internet guy who stayed on his side of the bed when watching a movie.

So! There you have it. Details are for people who my phone number only.

vitamin B12

In case you weren’t aware, I have epilepsy. There are studies that show that certain types of vitamin B help to limit the amount of seizures that someone such as my self maybe more susceptible to having when under stress or around common triggers.

So I did a little Googling not too long ago and found that vitamin B6 was what most people were taking along with their regular seizure medication. Ya know, a nice little supplement to help things along.

Recently, I went to CVS to replace the empty bottle of B6 that I had just run out of and surprisingly I couldn’t find any. Well, I didn’t really think that the type of vitamin B mattered much so I just picked up the cheapest bottle of vitamin B that I could find which turned out to be B12.

Alright, so what’s my point? Well, I’ve been taking the B12 pretty regularly and it’s been fine I haven’t had any ups or down from it. I felt pretty content with my life. Which, again if you don’t know me is kind of out of the regular. So I stopped taking it for a few days and I began to FEEL everything. Every emotion, every worry, every insecurity just crept back into my mind. I cried about boys I didn’t even know. I cried about looks that people gave me on the street. I felt the anguish and despair of living in a city of callousness. And it FELT amazing.

Deep down I knew that I needed that release. That sense of letting go. While I felt so much better about being able to breathe with a clear mind, I couldn’t help but wonder why it was so intense this time?

So back to Googling. Ok, turns out that B12 deficiencies have a strong relation to depression. ::epiphany::  Depression = feelings.

Now the question is, do I keep taking the B12 and continue living contentedly with my mediocre life or do I play with fire and succomb to the innate emotions that come with being depressed?

quarter-life anxiety.

Alright, so I know that I’ve said  I’ve accepted coming to a quarter-life crisis in a previous post but I can’t help but be bombarded with it every time I look at Facebook!

So many people getting married, buying houses, having babies…and me? Oh well, I’m living in one of the most expensive cities in the world with a part-time job struggling to get by. Oh, did I mention that I’m still single?

Sure, moving across the country could be called “brave” or “courageous” or “insert you’re uplifting adjective here”…but is it also stupid?

The more I stay in New York City the more I wonder if it was the right decision.

I’m often surprised when the few people I’ve become relatively close with in NYC encourage me to stay.  I guess I’m surprised because I always just thought of myself as being disposable. Creating friendships that last up until a certain point that then fizzle away into the abyss when they figure out who I “really” am or when it’s come to a point that I’ve said something to just push the tipping point of frustration.

I realize that a lot of people have insecurities but more often than most they have a few people to share their doubts and concerns with. Friends. Family. Coworkers. I, on the otherhand, don’t have those luxuries.

And because I’ve become so ditached from my blood-relatives, I cherish my friendships. I cherish the people who were there for me when I really needed to get away from the darkness that was beating down on the hopes and dreams of my young life. I’m so thankful for the few people who’ve been able to keep my secrets safe.

So while I’m not getting married (still single, ugh I’m going to be Eric Schaffer…50 and single), having a baby (thank god), or buying a house, I still have the few friends who know me well enough to help me realize that I’m only 24. It’s not the end of the world.

Even if Facebook wants to convince me it is.

NYC Prep.

This show is a PERFECT reason of why I would NEVER have children in this godforsaken city.

I mean, while I do want to get to a point where I can provide for them to the point where they don’t have to worry about paying for college, I do NOT want them to be these delusional, spoiled, overindulged, extremely privileged brats.

Freedom does not equal maturity.

It’s such a catch-22 in that if you don’t have the money or know the right people it makes it THAT much harder to achieve the grandiose dreams that America is based on. Only 1% of this country has the means to live the life that is thrown into the faces of middle America.

1%! That’s crazy. There’s no formula to getting where you want to go unless you’re already born into it. And if you’re not born into it, you better make friends with the people who are, because money does unfortunately equal power. Without money you’re nothing.

Lesson #1 from living in New York City.