feelings

As I was trying to get to sleep, my mind suddenly recalled a time in high school when I deeply felt every emotion that happened to come to pass.

I suppose my mind reflected on this time due to the sudden shock of anger I felt today. The type of anger that boils beneath your skin to the depths of your soul. I can’t really recall why I got so upset, all I know is the outcome lead to an immigrant so-called building watch-guard telling me to never come back. Though his meaningless position holds no control over whether I return to the building or not.

I think that I have been holding a lot of my disappointment with my situation to myself. I know that I’ve written posts about how the men here are retarded or what not but that’s not my disappointment. It is the realization, really, that people for the most part are not ever going to live up to the expectations that I have set for them. While it may not be the most ideal situation to set such high expectations for others, I don’t want to settle. I want the best. And so expectations are made. Then shattered to pieces.

::sigh::

Living here (so far) has me wonder if there is a place where people of passion, kindness, and sympathy exists? While I am very aware of the fact that New York is not exactly known for it’s kindness I at least hoped for a sense of awareness of their surroundings.

I hate to sum up this city which such negativity but it seems to be that the cons do indeed outweigh the pros of my current situation. In my recent experience I have come to notice that the people here are much too involved with themselves. So much so that they simply don’t have the time for others. The majority of long-term friendships that are formed here are formed out of convenience. Whether that’s due to working in the same industry or simply going to the same high school; these long-term relationships are those that seem to maintain only because they were forced to. 

I admit, I do find myself doing some of the same mundane habits of others around me. Where conversations consist of “What do you do”, “Where are you from”, and “Where do you live”. I don’t think I have ever really had a conversation about movies, music, literature, or politics. I have however had many conversations that involved the all-knowing-New-Yorker telling me of all the wonderful and not so wonderful places that I should and should not go to. Everyone has their opinion. That doesn’t mean I want to hear it. While I do think it’s great that people think it’s a great time to bequeath their knowledge to me, I may not want to hear it.

I do have to say that I don’t think I have ever been so aware of the racial segregation that occurs in this country in all my life up until now. It was quite a surprise to me to be labeled as one race or the other or to even be asked “what are you” as one of those opening liners. It really does boggle my mind when people tell me what they think that I am or what type of upbringing they believe me to have had. lol It’s almost a fun game. I believe the lack of accent combined with my stature and clothing choices tend to put me in the “suburban middle-class” for most part. It’s ironic really, being that I am quite the opposite. I guess I got what I wanted though, I strived to belong and understand the mentality of the typical suburbanite. I’m half-way there.

On a positive note, I do enjoy the fact that there is always something going on in this city. Whether good or bad, people are always out and about. I live by a police station and a fire department. For the most part I don’t feel unsafe. Though for a long while I didn’t even know where they were.

Before I had a fit of anger there was a pang of loneliness. I think it finally set in that I had to let someone go. Someone who’s promises I knew were false but wanted so badly to be true. It’s hard to let someone go even if they must leave.

To console my emptiness, I bought a $160 French Connection dress. Ahh…my true welcome to the real world, credit card debt!